The "Inadvertent" Cold Shoulder

I've been on this campus for almost five months and have been in classes the entire year with only a two week break after graduation. I thought that by taking the summer bridge program and getting involved on campus, I'd open this almost magical elusive door that would make me feel like a valued part of the campus. It's been nearly five months and I feel more excluded now than I did before.

At first I thought I was merely being paranoid and allowing the new city life get to my head, but as time has gone on I'm beginning to doubt whether or not I was just being paranoid. College campuses are supposed to be a new world of exploration that exposes you to all the experiences you thought you'd never thought you'd have. Though this sounds awfully appealing on the back of postcard or brochure that you receive as a prospective student, you never realize that all that glitters is not gold. 

Being a mixed black & Mexican girl in California hardly meant anything. Sure I was unique because there weren't many others like me in my small community, but I was never excluded because of it. If anything my unique traits drew more people to me, but I can't say the same about my experience here in DC. My summer experience here was beautiful. The diversity was astounding and the sense of community was heartwarming, but all of the gradually changed when fall came around.

I sit in my classrooms and can't help but notice that I am one of few people that have a natural darkness to their skin - most of the time I'm one of three. Normally I wouldn't be affected by information like this seeing how I was raised to see beyond the color of one's skin and their style of hair. Yet as time has gone on I've noticed that judgement doesn't always wait until the content of my character can reveal itself. Instead I've had to continuously wonder the color of my skin meant more to others than it ever did to me. I've had to force myself to believe that others weren't judging me because I simply looked black or Mexican, but I don't know if I believe it anymore. All the horror stories that I've unfortunately grown used to hearing, have inserted themselves into my life and have forced me to question myself.  

I don't want to believe that my peers could be so blinded by the dark honey tone of my skin. I don't want to believe that a society that prides itself on freedom would still restrict me because my skin does not blend with that of a flesh colored band-aid. I don't want to believe that in a society that praises equality I will constantly have to worry if I'm being discriminated against. I don't want to believe we've raised a generation of youth who show more indifference for inappropriate racial slurs in their media, communities, and homes than they'd willingly admit. I don't want to believe that in a school where 60% of the campus is white, that I will be pitied, excluded, or even looked down upon not because they hate me but because they've been raised to not appreciate different. I don't want to believe it, but what else is left to believe?...

- Sam